An introduction to Poop and Boogers: Children have led me to a life of poop and boogers.

Boogers, boogers, everywhere.  In the sink, in your hair. they're on your shirt, what will you wear!
I'm kind of going Dr. Seuss, so I will stop.

It occurred to me recently, that boogers and poop have taken over at my house. My days literally revolve around making sure boogers and poop make it into tissue paper of some sort.  Hence, I named my blog "Poop and Boogers."  That's not the only thing I wish to discuss, but it's something like a jumping-off point.

I have in my possession, two children.  One is a four year-old chatterbox.  I like to call him Tiger.  He's really cute, and smart, and funny, and polite, and, well, you get the picture.  The other child is a baby girl. I like to call her Ell Greco.  She is absolutely gorgeous, and sweet and cuddly.  And hungry.  All the time.
My dear, darling husband handles the children beautifully, but since I am the mom, I am better at it, according to him, so he gets out of a lot of stuff.  Flattery....who knew I was such a sucker for it.  That's not all of the info about the husband, but we can talk about that later.

Now to the poop and boogs......
I realized quite some time ago, and it just hit me again, that I am responsible for a full 75% of the ingestion and elimination in my house.  Probably more, because I feed my husband too.  But that's where I draw the line.
I'm like a poop crossing guard.  Tiger has to tell me when he has to go, so I can help him.  Ell just goes, but I have to be observant and make sure it is taken care of soon after it happens.  Maybe I'm the poop hall monitor.  Whatever it is, the job freakin blows.
Seriously though, I take care of myself, Ell is in diapers, and Tiger can't wipe his own bottom.  We tried that a time or two.  Bad idea.  The child produces barnyard smells, and I have no idea how that is possible.  He literally smells like a farm animal.  "WHAT did you EAT???" us a phrase commonly used in the kids' bathroom.
 I think this is a good time to announce my hatred of poop.  Not only is it unsightly and weird, it also smells awful and has lots of nasty germs in it.  E.coli, anyone?  Additionally, my fella is a major germophobe and has turned me into one.  There are no words to describe how much I hate to wipe butts.  I HATE it.  It is the worst.  You know how some people don't like to vacuum, or wash dishes, or whatever?  That's how I feel about wiping butts.  And my husband hates poop worse than me, by far, so I always get stuck with the job.  Keeps my poop hand strong though......(You know, like, "keep your pimp hand strong"???)  

Now on to boogers. I would love to see a statistic on how many boogers the average person produces in a day/year/lifetime.  I don't just deal with nose boogers though.  Ell has clogged tear ducts, and they have been that way since she was born.  If it's not cleared up by May, she is going to have to have her tear ducts operated on.  They are still very boogery, her eyes, they are.  I have to clean yuck boogs off of her at least 3 times a day, but probably more than that.  They are really gross, those eye boogs.  If I don't have a burpie close by, I just put the eyeboogs in her armpit.  The armpit of whatever she has on, not her actual bare armpit.  It's a good way to get rid of boogers, because no one sees them, and they get cleaned off in the washing machine.  Her nose boogs aren't ever terrible, but I still have to get them for her.
Let me tell you about Tiger; he is the king of nose boogers.  He's not the gross kid with green snot running down his face 24/7, but he gets mosterboogers in his nose overnight, I guess.  And he just leaves them in there until I notice them and clean them out.  Let me tell ya, baby wipes and a bobby pin, and you are set to dig.  I cannot wait until the day both of my children can pick their own noses.  It will be so liberating!
On to other poop and booger topics.  Did you know I am the only person in the house who cleans the toilets?   Once again.....poop.  And the sinks.....boogers.  Once, we went to an oral surgeon for a consultation, and there were boogers on the wall.  When I was young and drunk, there were always boogers on the wall of the Hardee's bathroom stall.  Everytime I went to Walmart when I was pregnant with Ell, there was a shitstorm in the front bathroom.  Once there was shit in every stall.  How does that happen?
To top it all off, I have IBS and I am lactose intolerant.  And I have allergies.  Poop and boogers.  See what I mean?  Poop and boogers rule my life.
I guess it's better than analease and astroglide though.  You know, if I was a porn star.