In the bathroom. Alone.

Do you know what happens when I enter a bathroom?  Any bathroom, anywhere.  What happens is, there is a tiny signal in the bathroom door, and it is connected to my children's brains.  And my husband's brain.  And when that signal is activated, they immediately need something from me.  And then an invisible tractor beam draws them, sometimes all together, to the bathroom.

I am not the only one who is affected by this wonderful bathroom door signal bullshit.  My own mother is always triggering the mom-in-the-bathroom alarm.  When she's at work.  She goes to the bathroom, and boom, one of her kids is calling her.  She thinks it's just a funny coincidence.  I know better.  

This is an example of what happens to me:
Sometimes, I tell Tiger I'm going to take a shower, and ask if he needs anything.  Invariably, he says, "No, I'm ok."  I go into the bathroom, turn on the shower, get in, and start to shampoo my hair.  Then I hear: "Mom? Mom!"
Me: "What, Tiger?"  Him: "I have to go to the bathroom, but not pee."
This is his signature line.  He can't remember the difference between "Number 1," and, "Number 2," so that's how he puts it.  
He's not allowed to do the wiping himself.  And I'm the only adult in the house.  In the shower.  And now I have to get out....to wipe his ass.  Guh-reat.  I love it.  
I have a head full of shampoo.  I am nowhere near ready to get out of the shower.  I tell him to go ahead and go, and I will come and help him in a minute.  He's done waaaay before I can even get some clothes on.  And he's hollerin' up a storm in his little bathroom, because he thinks I can't hear him.
So I finally get to him, and if I'm lucky, it's a clean poop and there's no work to do.  More likely than not, I will have to use an entire roll of t.p.and an entire package of buttwipes to get this child clean.  Because that's just how it works.
This scenario has played out more than once with the boy, and happens almost exactly the same way every time.

Now, why,  might you ask, did he not tell me he had to go before I took a shower?  He knew I was going in there, and I bet he knew he needed to drop a deuce.
But kids don't think ahead.
A more likely story: he was not paying a bit of attention to me when I told him where I was going to be.  Because he was WATCHING CARTOONS.  And he didn't have to poop yet.
Damn you nature.

Tiger also comes in when I'm showering and wants me to open fruit snacks, put straws in juice boxes, fix the tv, invent a cure for cancer and get him the coolest toy ever that he just saw on a commercial!
I never, ever, ever have alone time in the bathroom.  Never.  And I always have to hurry, because the boy is hungry, or Ell is mad, or we have to be somewhere.
Whew!  Finally, we are to the point of this entire post.
(In a whisper..)
Don't tell anyone, but today, I got to take a shower completely alone and uninterrupted.  Ell was taking a nap.  Tiger was with his aunt.  My husband was at work.    
I ran out all of the hot water.  It took half an hour. I didn't have to hurry.  It was magical; it was relaxing; I though about taking a nap in there.  Shower, oh how I love thee!
The only problem is, it's gonna be a long time before that happens again.
I shall cherish the memory, Shower!  Forever!
And kick your ass for being a tease.